Oh snaps, you've only got an hour until your flight leaves!\nYou rush upstairs, pack a change of clothes, your toothbrush and a good book (but not THE good book). You rush to the airport and barely make it on time. At the airport, you get searched in a "random security check," and you doubt you'll ever forget the old man cupping your balls and/or lady balls in the Airport. \n\nThe uneventful flight comes to an end and you make your way through the hell that is LAX. You're kind of hungry so you decide to eat before you head out into the wild. \n\n[[Go to "Super Fun Cinnamon Bun"|Super Fun Cinnamon Bun]]\n[[Go to "Much Less Fun Veg on a Bun"|Much Less Fun Veg on a Bun]]\n\n[img[airport.jpg]]\n

Aw, drats! You've just walked into a quantum fuckity field and your head randomly explodes!\n\nHAHA, YOU'RE NONSENSICALLY DEAD!\n\n[img[head.jpg]] \n

What planet are you from?\n\nAnyway, you get to the studio around 7 or 8 in the evening. By the time you make it to the gate and realize it's closed, the cab has driven off. At a loss for what to do, you decide to walk down the road a ways and look for another cab.\n\n[[Go left|Go left]]\n[[Go right|Go right]]\n\n[img[myjoke.jpg]] \n

Phil Splat's semi-physical form melts into a nasty red goop that sucks into your sword like it's a vacuum cleaner. Eager to leave Los Angeles, you immediately head back to the airport and board the first flight back to Nowheresville, Indiana. \n\nUpon arriving, you see the Devil at the airport, disguised as Ben Affleck in a Batman suit. 'What a shitty disguise,' you think as you give Batfleck the soul. "Thank you," he says in a horrible immitation of Christian Bale's low, gravely Batman voice. \n\nYou go home, get a good night's sleep and awake the next morning to a black envelope under your front door. The front reads, "Your Second Assignment."\n\nCONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE NOT DEAD YET!\n\nBut then a meteor destroys your apartment building. \n\nHAHA, YOU'RE STILL DEAD!\n\n[img[armageddon.jpg]] \n

You've made a health conscious decision, good for you! Enjoy your cardboard tasting rabbit feed knowing you'll probably live a long, albeit boring life. \n\nAfter eating, you head out into the warm Los Angeles afternoon. On the back of Satan's letter you see two addresses. One appears to be for a home in Bel Air, while the other is the address for Shmarashmount Studios. \n\nYou whistle for a cab and when it comes near, the license plate says "Fresh" and there's a dice in the mirror. If anything, you could say that this cab was rare, but you thought, 'nah forget it,' saying,\n\n[["Yo homes, to Bel Air!"|Yo Homes, to Bel Air!]]\n[["Hey man, to Shmarashmount Studios."|Hey man, to Shmarashmount Studios]]\n[["You're weird, I think I'll take the bus..."|You're weird, I think I'll just wait for a bus...]]\n\n[img[freshprince.jpg]] \n

You've OBVIOUSLY never been to LA, you unfresh prince, you. You sit there, waiting for a bus for hours. The hours turn into day and the weeks into months. Eventually, you wither away and die waiting for a bus that will never come, because Los Angeles public transport is complete shit. \n\nHAHA, YOU DIED SLOWLY!\n\n[img[busstop.jpg]] \n

A homeless man accosts you and demands a burrito. You give him your trusty pocket burrito you keep handy for just such a situation. \n\nInstead of finding a cab, you find a notorious LA street gang who robs you, takes your clothes and throws you over an electrical wire like a pair of old tennis shoes. \n\nHAHA, YOU'RE ELECTROCUTED TO DEATH DUE TO GANG VIOLENCE!!!\n\n[img[electrocute.jpg]]

Drats! You knew selling your soul to the Devil was prooobably a bad idea, but you went and did it anyway. Now you have to work for Satan collecting lost souls trapped on Earth -- their Limbo. As these souls are already destined for hell, you find no moral obligation here, you're just showing them the way home!\n\nYou get home from the gym (ha, yeah right!) one evening to find a strange, black envelope in your mailbox. The writing on the front simply says "Your first assignment." It's warm to the touch and against your better judgement, [[you open it|First Assignment]]\n\n[img[envelope.jpg]]

Leaving Phil Splat's house, you head back to the airport and board the first flight to Nowheresville, Indiana. Upon touching down, you find the devil in the airport disguised as the front man for 90's alternative rock band The Spin Doctors. \n\nHe smiles at you and sings, "and if you, want to disobey me, you'll go to hell now."\n\nJust like that you find yourself consumed by the eternal lake of fire that replaces the airport. Much worse than the burning flames though, is the Spin Doctors' track "Two Princes" that the Devil has on repeat. You see, the only person that likes the Spin Doctors, is the f*ckin' Devil.\n\nHAHA, YOU'RE SUPER-DUPER SPIN DOCTORS DEAD!\n\n[img[spindoctors.jpg]] \n

You pull up to the house about 7 or 8 and you yell to the cabbie, "Yo homes, smell ya later," you look at the house and think 'I'm finally here, to collect that damn soul and get the f*ck out of Bel Air.'\n\nYou enter the dark home and instantly feel much colder than you were outside. Afraid, you pull out your trusty Satan sword I'm too lazy to go back and work into the story (just go with it, maaaan). As you do, a sad looking man appears in front of you and you know this must be Phil Splat. You can tell from the look in his eyes that he knows why you're here. \n\nThe poor guy is defeated, he doesn't even want to put up a fight. You ask him how he did it and he confides that he jumped to his death from a 40-foot building, finally living up to his family name. You feel a twinge of sympathy in the sub-cockle region of your heart, \n\n[[but you've got a job to do, so you stab the mofo.|but you've got a job to do, so you stab the mofo]]\n[[You decide to let the poor soul go.|You decide to let the poor soul go]]\n\n[img[moral.jpg]]

HAHA, YOU'RE DEAD!!!

Oh, the gooey death treat tastes soooooo good. Wilford Brimley appears to inform you that you've caught the diabeetus.\n\nHAHA, YOU'RE EVENTUALLY GOING TO DIE!!! \n\n[IMG[diabeetus.jpg]]

You roll your eyes, thinking 'the Devil, ha! I call BS!" You walk up to your apartment on the sixth floor. As you step inside, you feel yourself somehow sinking into the hardwood floor. The more you struggle, the more you sink. As your head goes under, you find yourself sinking down, down and down some more. Through the neighboring apartments under yours (awkwaaard) and down into the ground. \n\nAfter about an hour of straight up sinkin' yo, you end up in hell. What kind of an idiot would disobey their boss? Especially when their boss is the freakin' Devil!\n\nHAHA, YOU'RE DEAD!\n\n [img[gotohell.jpg]]\n

Matthew John Thomas

"Dear Sir and/or Madam,\n\nThe first soul you're going to collect for me resides in Los Angeles, California. Be warned, LA is full of evil, demonic bloodsuckers, and those are just the casting agents. You'll be collecting the soul of one such agent. Phil Splat decided death was better than life and, as we both know, suicide is a one way ticket to hell! \n\nSo what'dya say we kick a soul while he's down? Kick him straight to HELL!!!\n\nSpeaking of Hell, please find the enclosed ticket to LAX. \n\nSincerely, \nSatan"\n\nNow you're a bit perturbed by the Devil's enthusiasm, buut nobody likes their boss. \n\n\nYou think maybe it's still not too late to just toss this and get back to your normal life. After thinking it over for a moment, you've decided to \n[[throw the letter out.|Throw the letter out]] \n[[examine the plane ticket.|Examine the plane ticket]]\n\n[img[hardway.jpg]]\n